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08:58 pm
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F0RG0TT1D 2 MENSHUN...1!!1!
THA T3SSST R1SULTZ D1D CUM BAK FR0M THA V** AN THA LUMMP 1Z ONL1 A SISSSST!!11!!!!
Current Mood:  R3LEEV3D!!11!!
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08:43 pm
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1ND1GGN1TTY!!11!!!!!
1 WAZ SL33P1INK 1N M1 SPESHUL BED AN THA FUD APEZ CAM AL0NNG AN PR0DDEDEDEDEDED ATT MEE!!111!!! THAY MAD3 NO1Z AN ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) autopope W3NT AWA AN CAM BAK W1V B1G BOCKSSS!!1111!!! 1T W0Z N0TT A PRESSENT THO!!111!!! THAY PUTTED MEE 1N THA B0CKS AN T00KED ME OWT!1111!!! 1T W0Z C0WLD AN WET AN 1 GOTTED C0LD W1TE W3T STUF 0N M1 NOZE!!111!!!!
W3 ENDEDED UP ATT THA V**!!111!!!!!
THA V** PRODEDEDED M1 T000 AN TOOKED M1 1NTO THA BAK!!111!!! HE SHAYVED M3 WER THAY HADD B33N PR0DDININING AN STUCK N33DUL 1N MEE!!111!!! 1 HAV LUMPP AN THATZ W0T H3 STUK THA N33DUL 1N!!!!!11!!! H3 SAYD H3 F1NK 1T JUS A SISSST BUT W1LL G3T SAMPUL (I.E. B1TZ OV MEE!!!) CHEKKED TU BEE SHURE!!111!!! HAV SILL1 LUCK1NG BALLD PACH NAO!!11!!!
UPDAYTE!!!111!!: autopope SAE 1 HAV N0 DIGGNITTY 2 LUZE BIC0Z 0VVER KAT W0T DUZ N0TT EGGZISST HAV N1KKED 1T!!!11!!!
Current Location: M1 BED AGANE!!11!!
Current Mood:  DE-DIGGNIFICATEDED
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02:27 pm
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1K B1N 1NA KLUG3 KATTZE!!11!!!!
1 HAV DUN feoragZ GERMUN HOMWURK 4 HER!!!111!!! SH33 1Z DOO1NG PERFEKT TENS!!!11!!!
Ein Schwarzer Tag
Montag war ein schwarzer Tag. Um sechs Uhr bin ich aufgestanden. Die Affen haben geschlafen. Ich bin ins Küche gegangen aber habe ich kein Lebensmittel gesehen. Ich habe sehr laut geschrien. Am viertel nach sechs sind die Affen aufgestanden. Ich habe um mein Frühstuck gebeten. Dann sind die Affen im Schlafzimmer gegangen! Sie haben eingeschlafen und habe ich kein Frühstuck gegessen.
Um acht Uhr sind die Affen aufgestanden. Um halb neun bin ich im Auto gefahren. Um neun Uhr bin ich bei Tierarzt angekommen. Dann sind die Affen gegangen!
Um zehn Uhr bin ich eingeschlafen.
Um zwei Uhr bin ich aufgestanden. Ich habe kein Mittagessen gegessen! Der Tierarzt haben kein Lebensmittel gegeben. Ich bin zwei stunden im Bett geblieben. Um vier Uhr haben die Affen zurück gekommen und um halb fünf bin ich zu Hause angekommen.
Die andere Katze habe in der Küche gegessen aber mein Mund tut weh. Ich habe kein Abendessen gegessen. Um sechs Uhr bin ich im Schlafzimmer gegangen und bin auf das Bett gesprungen. Ich habe laut Musik gehört. Ich habe nicht geschlafen. Um viertel vor elf haben die Musiker gehalten. Um elf Uhr bin ich eingeschlafen.
Current Mood:  accomplished
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03:56 pm
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I R M00V33 STA!!!1!!!
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05:39 pm
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SKAR3D!!11!!!
EVR1 CUPPL3 0V WEEEEEKSSS T00 0VVER FUD AP3Z CUM T00 M1 H0WM AN D00 F1NGZ!!!1!!!! W0N 0V DEM HAZ G0T TEH MASH1NE W0T EETS KATS AND 1Z MOVING 1T EVR1WARE!!111!!! SH3 P0YNT3D 1T AT MEEEE!!111!!! AN DEN SH3 L1FT UPP M1 BASK1T AN PUSSSH TEH MASH1NE W0T EETS KATS UNDA 1T AN D1DUNT PUTT 1T BAK!!11!!!!
1Z SKAR3D NA0!!!11!!!
UPPDAYT!!111!: NA0 D3Y PUTT W3T 0N OVVER FLUR S0 1 CANT G0 0WT OV TEH RUUM!111!!!
Current Location: UNDA DA D3SSK!!11!
Current Mood: SKAR3D
Current Music: TEH MASH1NE W0T EETS KATS
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12:50 pm
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Presumption
The lack of subtlety and expression in human communication, and the sheer presumptiveness of this post by a mere food ape challenges my ability to express myself. Whilst the other cat, the non-existent one would say something like 1TZ N0TT FAYR!!11!!! , I am at a loss for words.
Instead, I will express myself in High Feline at three o'clock in the morning.
Current Mood:  indignant
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04:24 pm
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HAV N00 F1NG BUTT N0T FAYR AN1WA1!!!!111
feorag W3NT3D TOO IKEA YESTADA TOO BY MEEE A N00 BEDD!!11!!!! 1T 1Z DED CUMFY AN 1T 1Z 0RL M1NE AN N0T DAT 0VVER KAT W0T DUZ N0T EGGZISST!!11!!!1 HAV PUTTED M1 FURR 0RL OWVER 1T!!11!!1
1Z 1T T0 ERLY FUR KR1SSMUSS 1KON?
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02:41 am
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UTTA H0R1DNES!!!11!!!
CHEWSDA1 W0Z S0 UNFAYR 1T HAZ TAKED MEE T1LL N0U 2 R1TE ABOWT 1T!!!!1!!!!!
THA FUD AP3Z PUTTED MEE 1N A B0KS AN TAKED MEE A LONNG WA1!!!111!!!1 ATT THA ENND OV THA LONNG WA1 W0Z THA v.e.t.!!!11!!!!! THA KAT BEFOUR MEE W0Z SIAMEEZ AN T0LD THA v.e.t. WER T00 G0 VER1 LOWDLEE!!!111!!! 1 WOZ N0TT RELACKSED!!11!!!
HEE TUK MEE OWT OV M1 BOCKS AN POKEDED AN PRODEDEDEDED MEE AN WAYD MEE AN OVVER 1ND1GGN1TT1ES AN THENN HEE L1FTED UPP M1 TAYL!!!11!!!! 1 H1SED ATT H1M BUTT 1T GOTT WURSE!!111!!!!
1 HAV B1N GROW1N M1 CL0RZ S0 1 KAN HURTT OVVER KAT W0T DUZ N0T EGGSIST MURE, BUTT HEE GRAB MEE AN STARRT TOO KL1P DEM!11!!!!! ( KUTT FUR SWARE1NESS... )
Current Mood: angry
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09:52 pm
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The things we do for amusement.
feorag has invented a fun new toy, especially for me! It involves her stringing several hundred beads onto a strong cotton thread, still attached to the ball. She then sticks a small metal hook into the loose end and starts moving it. This makes the beads irresistible to me. It is such good fun trying to kill them on the string! As she moves the hook, she neatly tangles up some of the string and beads, which makes the beads on the thread move even more interestingly. It's worth wasting the bit she does just for that effect.
Today I have been mostly going up to feorag and meowing in my most pathetic voice, then running away when she tries to pet me. autopope has still abandoned me with this incompetent food ape! I cannot even remember what a cat treat looks like, and I'm not going to get started on the state of my litter tray!
Edited to add: I have made my protest about the tray. I have managed to do my business one third in the tray, one third out of it, and the remaining third balanced carefully on the edge of the tray. Now to start up the pathetic meeping again to draw her attention to my creativity.
Current Location: The sofa in my study
Current Mood:  aggrieved
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08:50 am
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S0WSHUL NETTWURKIN
1 AM NAO ON KATBUK W0T 1Z FASEBUK APP 4 KATZ 2 NETWURK!!!1!1!!!! HEER 1Z M1 PR0F1YL!!!111!! DAT 0VVER KAT W0T DUZ N0T EGGZIST DUZ N0T HAV PROF1YL S0 REELY DUZ N0T EGGZIST!!!!!1!!
U KAN GIF M1 VERCHUL STR0KZ!!!!11!!1
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10:36 pm
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Unamused
autopope has disappeared again and left that incompetent feorag to serve me. As usual, I am having to put up with food arriving at erratic times, and less than prompt cleaning of the litter tray. I have taken to crapping outside the tray as an expression of my disgust.
I think she might have spotted me running up the stairs the other day. Since then, I have been careful to walk gingerly, a little unsteady on my paws, in the hope that she will think she is mistaken and that she really saw the other cat who does not exist.
Update, 22:54: And now she is being even more unreasonable. She dumped a large amount of litter over the "gift" I made her, and left it a few minutes. Then she used a dustpan and brush to scoop it all into the tray, which she cleaned (at bloody last). The horror is that she is now using The Machine That Eats Kitties to deal with the few fragments of litter on the floor.
Current Mood: unamused
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01:26 pm
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0DD UNFAYRN3SSSSS!
THA FUD AP3Z R G1V1NG MEEE G00SHY FUD 1N DA M0RN1NKZ, AN DIS 1Z GUD!!!!11!!1!!!! BUTT DEY R PUTT1N EKSTRA STUF 1N A N0VVER B0AL 0F GUSH1 FUD AN G1FF1NG 1T 2 DAT 0VVER KAT W0T DUZ N0T EGGS1ST!!!11!!!!! THAY PUT H3R 1N DA RUM W1V DA B1G SKARY W0RTER B0AL AN SHUTT DA DUR S0 1 KANT G3T 1N!!!11!!! 1Z N0T FAYR!!!!!!1!!! WY SH3 GETT SPESHUL FUD???111?!??/?
Current Mood: aggravated
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09:53 pm
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Obnoxious noise
Dear feorag,
I do not care what that little plastic box is, and I really do not care that it reminds you of your childhood. I am especially unimpressed that you can play Vienna on it. All I care about is that the noise it makes is utterly awful and is disturbing my sleep. Kindly use the headphone socket on it, or I will piss on it.
Current Location: the office sofa, with laptop and autopope
Current Mood: annoyed
Current Music: Screechy horrid toy instrument
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10:12 am
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UNFAYRN3SS!!!!!11!1
YESTERDA 1 W0Z 1N DA HAWL AN DER W0Z A DUR 0PEN AN 1 W3NT THRU 1TT!!!11!! feorag W0Z 1N DERE AN DERE WER R0LZ 0V CL0FF AN DRAWZ 0V CLOVZ AN 1 ECKSPLURED!!!1111!!! 1TT W0Z 1NTARESSSSTIN!!111!!! AN DEN ST00P1D FUD APE WENTED BAK 1NTO DA HAWL AND SHUTTED DA DUR!!1111!!! 1 W0Z TRAPD 4 OURZ!!!1111! 1 WAYT PAYSHUNTL1 BUTT DA DUR D1D N0T OPENN AGEN 4 AYGIZZ!!!111!!!! N0T FAYR!!!111!!!!!
Current Location: N0T BEEHYND DA DUR!!!11!!!
Current Mood: annoyed
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10:46 am
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Dignity alert (and GIP)
bohemiancoast is known for photoshopping Santa hats onto LJ userpics in time for the festive season, and has been creative with mine. I mention this in case you think that I might be wearing an actual Santa hat, which, of course, I would never do.
That other cat which does not exist has a festive icon too, and will no doubt be bouncing around with glee, using too many exclamation marks and wondering why she doesn't remember the Santa hat.
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08:47 pm
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And another thing
Yesterday feorag was building something. She said it was a "cat tree". Silly food ape! Cats don't grow on trees!
Anyway, it came in a nice box, and I was playing with it [edit for clarity: the box]. Then autopope took it away and hid it. Please can you give it back to me? It was good fun.
--Frigg
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05:48 pm
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Memo to food apes: hygiene
I realise that you are unable to speak High Feline, but surely it isn't too hard for you to guess that when I come to your study door and meow loudly, that what I mean is "I have used the tray. Kindly bury what I have left there, or make it disappear".
The Other Cat Who Does Not Exist speaks a different dialect. When she runs up to you in an excited manner, and then runs off again in the opposite direction, and repeats this a number of times, it means the same thing.
Please handle this matter promptly in future,
-- Frigg.
Current Location: The bed.
Current Mood: regal
Tags: memo
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08:56 pm
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OUCIEZ
THA FUD AP3Z HAS JUS NOTIS3D DAT 1 HAV FUNN1 CL0R 0N M1 RITE FRUNT P0R. 1T 1Z SUR AN ST1X 1N M1 PADD, S0 THAY SA 1 HAV T00 GO T00 THA V**. 1 AM N0TT SHURE W0T 1Z WURS.
Current Mood: sore
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09:38 am
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Creativity
autopope installed a new litter tray yesterday -- a much larger one with really high sides. Let's see Frigg crap over the side of this one , he said. Well, in less than a day, I have succeeded. I played nicey nicey with feorag so that she was up bright and early to see it. That will teach her to close doors so I can't crap where I want to.
I am only allowed in her study now when she is in it, but I don't want to go there now. She has been putting white powder on the areas which I carefully used as a tray last week, and then using The Machine That Eats Cats on it. The room smells all citrussy now, and not at all nice.
--Frigg.
Current Location: The bed, trying to wake up autopope with typing
Current Mood: accomplished
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09:35 pm
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That will show her
I am convinced that feorag has no sense of smell. I have been pooing in her study for days, and she's only just noticed! Of course, I will convince her that it was the other cat (who does not exist) that did it, once I have finished complaining that she's taken the litter tray to deal with my deeds. As fluffcthulhu would say: It was not Me!
Current Mood: accomplished
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